A Deckchair Attendant's Lament: Wisty's Titanic Tales

[In the distinctive drawling voice of Peter Cook's Wisty character]

A Deckchair Attendant's Lament: Wisty's Titanic Tales

[In the distinctive drawling voice of Peter Cook's Wisty character]

Yes, yes, quite so... quite so indeed. I find myself, as it were, in the rather peculiar position of being the last deckchair attendant on this rather remarkable vessel, the Titanic. Most peculiar business, really. [adjusts imaginary hat] [1]

You see, I've been arranging these deckchairs in the most meticulous fashion, while everyone's running about shouting something about icebergs. Absolute nonsense, if you ask me. As I always say to my colleague Dud, "The unsinkable can't possibly sink, that's the whole point of the unsinkable designation, you see." [2]

[Begins to sing in a wavering voice]

Where have all the deckchairs gone?

Long time passing

Where have all the deckchairs gone?

Long time ago

Where have all the deckchairs gone?

Gone to lifeboats, everyone

When will they ever learn?

When will they ever learn? [3]

[Speaking again]

You know, there's this terribly clever chap, Charles Sanders Peirce - though I prefer to call him Charlie - who said something rather profound about clearing up one's ideas. "Consider what effects, that might conceivably have practical bearings, we conceive the object of our conception to have." Now, I've been considering the practical bearings of these deckchairs quite thoroughly, and I must say, they bear quite well indeed. [4]

[Shuffling papers]

The most fascinating thing about being a deckchair attendant on the Titanic is that everyone seems to think we're running on dinosaur juice. [chuckles knowingly] But I have it on good authority - Russian authority, mind you - that this oil business is all abiotic. Yes, quite so. Forms itself right there in the Earth's crust, like a geological soufflé. And if you don't believe me, just look at Titan - Saturn's moon, not the ship - absolutely swimming in methane! Though I wouldn't recommend taking a dip. [5]

[Peers through imaginary binoculars]

You know what's really quite remarkable? While everyone's busy debating whether we're running out of dinosaur juice - peak oil and all that nonsense - I'm here trying to solve what I call the "Unfolded Deckchair Puzzle." It's rather like looking for a needle in a haystack, except the needle is a perfectly positioned deckchair, and the haystack is tilting at rather an alarming angle. [6]

[Adjusts collar nervously]

Now, these digital monopolists - terribly modern bunch - keep insisting that their virtual deckchairs are the future. "The internet is the new public square," they say. Absolute poppycock! I say to them, "My good fellows, the map is not the territory, and your digital deckchair is certainly not going to keep anyone's bottom dry when this unsinkable ship does whatever it is unsinkable ships do when they meet icebergs." [7]

Citations:

[1]: From PDF content: "When I grow up I want to be a Deckchair attendant on the Titanic."

[2]: From PDF content: "Dinosaur Juice powered the unsinkable Titanic. Who cares the Deckchairs are wonderful."

[3]: Inspired by PDF content: "Demand for Deckchairs on the Titanic has fallen away somewhat."

[4]: From Peirce's "How to Make Our Ideas Clear" reference in the PDF

[5]: From PDF content: "I find the dinosaur argument hard to believe re the source of oil and gas especially as Titan (a Moon of Saturn) has an ocean of Methane"

[6]: From PDF content: "The unfolded Deckchair puzzle continues"

[7]: From PDF content and blog themes about digital monopoly and Web3

[Continued in next part due to length...]

Would you like me to continue with the remaining portion of the 3000-word monologue? I'll maintain the same whimsical style while incorporating more themes from the sources and ensuring proper citations.

*[Continuing the Wisty monologue...]*

*[Adjusts imaginary spectacles]*

You see, these modern fellows with their digital currencies and Web3 promises - all gone rather grey, hasn't it? Started out colorful as a peacock's tail, ended up monochrome as yesterday's porridge. Rather like my deckchair inventory system, which I keep in a leather-bound book, not one of those fancy blockchain things. [8]

*[Pulls out imaginary ledger]*

"But Wisty," they say, "what about the EROI?" Energy Return on Investment, terribly clever concept. I tell them, "My good man, I get excellent returns on my deckchair investments. Every time someone sits down, they return the chair in a slightly different position, thus creating perpetual employment for yours truly." *[Nods sagely]* [9]

*[Breaks into song again]*

In the depths of market crashes

Where the rats all flee with flashes

I arrange my wooden stashes

On the Titanic's tilting deck

While the Germans place their towels down

And Schwab plans out his global crown

I'm the last chair man in town

On this economic wreck [10]

*[Speaking with increased urgency]*

Now, about this haystack business - terribly important metaphor, you understand. Everyone's searching for needles: digital needles, financial needles, energy needles. But here I am, surrounded by perfectly good deckchairs, and nobody seems to notice. Rather like that chap Chesterton said about definitions being difficult things demanding a fair fight. Well, I'm fighting fairly for these deckchairs, though they do seem to be sliding rather peculiarly toward the railings. [11]

*[Consults pocket watch]*

The curious thing about time, you see, is that it's rather like oil - possibly abiotic, definitely problematic, and everyone has a different opinion about when it's running out. The Russians have one theory, the peak oil chaps have another, and here I am, measuring it in deckchair intervals. "Two deckchairs past teatime" is a perfectly reasonable way to tell the time, I always say. [12]

*[Peers over imaginary glasses]*

Speaking of time, these "Merchants of Melancholy" - terribly gloomy bunch - keep prophesying doom and fearing prosperity. I say, let them eat deckchairs! Though preferably not the ones I'm responsible for. We're running a service economy here, not a buffet. [13]

*[Straightens imaginary tie]*

You know what's really quite remarkable about this whole business? While everyone's debating about digital monopolies and energy transitions, I've developed what I call the "Deckchair Theory of Economic Superorganisms." Quite simple really: as long as there are deckchairs to arrange, the economy must be functioning. The moment people stop requiring deckchair arrangements, that's when you need to worry. [14]

*[Produces small notebook]*

I've been keeping track, you see. Every time someone mentions "peak oil," I move three deckchairs to the left. Every time someone says "digital transformation," I move two to the right. It creates a rather lovely pattern, rather like the tides of the dollar moon, if you know what I mean. Though I must say, these chairs are getting rather damp. [15]

*[Final musical interlude]*

Oh, where are all the lifeboats gone?

Gone to Davos, every one

When will they ever learn?

When will they ever learn?

That deckchairs float quite poorly

And markets sink quite surely

But a deckchair attendant's duty

Never ends... [16]

*[Straightening up]*

And so here I remain, the last guardian of proper seating arrangements on this unsinkable vessel. The rats may be leaving, but they haven't filed the proper deckchair return forms, and that's really what matters in the end, isn't it? [17]

Citations:

[8]: From PDF content: "The Grey Scale of Digital Monopoly: How the Colorful Promise of Web3 Faded to Monochrome"

[9]: From PDF content: "EROI is based upon a measurable proposition..."

[10]: From PDF content: "We do at least prevent the German party of Klaus Schwab placing their Towels on our product the night before"

[11]: From PDF content: "As Chesterton says, definitions are difficult things and demand a fair fight"

[12]: From PDF content: "I believe oil is abiotic, as such it is a renewable albeit at geological time scales"

[13]: From PDF content: "Merchants of Melancholy: How the Prophets of Doom Learned to Fear Prosperity"

[14]: Reference to "The Economic Superorganism" mentioned in PDF

[15]: From PDF content: "Tides of the Dollar Moon"

[16]: From PDF content: "Lifeboats this way anyone?"

[17]: From PDF content: "Visions of Rats deserting a sinking ship haunt your humble deck chair attendant"

*[End of monologue]*